Over the last month or so there has been an influx of hype surrounding the release of Halo 2. Some of the reports have made the product out to be more than just a videogame, more than just an event, but a transcendental experience. After playing the game it’s clear that the gaming journalists are cheats and liars. Halo 2 isn’t just amazing; it’s clearly the work of a higher power. Halo 2 is simply the most awesome thing ever made. In fact, it’s so very awe-inspiring that it could not have been made by the hand of man. It is clear, there, that Halo 2 was made by God himself.
In fact, this writer might venture to say that it is actually god himself – brought to earth, rendered in diskette form. ‘Cause, like, the master Chief of the heavens realizes that his divine and omnipotent might will not be spread through such archaic forms of communication as, say, the Bible or Jesus. “Let there be Halo 2,” God spoketh, and it was good. Better than the Bible and Jesus combined, in fact, and with beautifully rendered graphics.
So really, there’s no use denying His-the Master Chief’s-righteousness. Fall on bended knee to His lesson of divine wrath. Royally ass kick those old school Christ-isms like “turn the other cheek” and “the meek shall inherit.” The only thing the meek are inheriting now is the butt-end of a plasma rifle as it bounces off their teeth. Booya, amen!
And testify my space-weapon toting brothers. Yea, there will be heathens among ye who will think that Halo 2 does not speaketh the Word of God. And further yet, they shalt be smoteth like the lowly Covenant grunts that they are.
Mobilize now, brothers, and spread the holy Gospel of the Chief. Join with the ranks of converted-the geeks and the frat boys-to bring the misguided elderly and Xbox-less into the shining fold. And if their tiny brains cannot be moved by the Reason of the Lord thy Chief, they will certainly be moved to His ways by a blast from His divine broomstick.
And do not falter to temptation, the siren call of any other than the almighty Chief. “Females,” as they are called, may clain to shun the Chief’s mysterious ways, openly hostile to His ways and the hours we brothers must dedicate to His divine teachings. Approach these jezebels as one approaches an asp in the brush. Many of your bothers have been turned from the Lord Chief’s Primrose path by their most tempting temptingness.
So in conclusion, Halo 2 is probably worth a rental.

- The Getaway (Tuesday, December 7th)